Still no right or wrong? (With apologies to the Yankees...)

The "D" is wearing off my ring; my spoon ring that Mom had made from the DuRant family monogrammed silver. Yes, I will probably joke with you and tell you that we hid that silver from the Yankees, just as Scarlett would have, but I really don't think it's been around that long.  It makes me sad that the initial is a lot less pronounced than it used to be, but I don't want to stop wearing it.  It's one of my favorite pieces of jewelry. What's the right thing to do?  Who will ever love the ring more than I do?  Shouldn't I get the full enjoyment from it?  It's quite a silly dilemma, I know, and it doesn't matter.  I still wonder about how you decide things of this nature, though. Can I truly just do what I want?  Am I really still allowed to say there is no right and no wrong?

    I don't know anymore.  What's right, that is....or what's wrong.  And this sentiment has nothing to do with people that have questioned me or told me "You better watch out...."  I am a very fortunate woman; everyone supports me, cheers me on, tells me how smart I am, etc.  I am obviously smart enough to surround myself with the right people, wink wink.  Here's what I don't know - when do  I throw out that "no right, no wrong" philosophy because it has become a crutch that allows me to be a spoiled brat that says "I want this...." and gets it, with no regard for anyone involved in whatever "it" is?

This is a subject that needs a lot of "thought".  I wish it could be all light and fun.  But it's not, and I do mean to approach it still.  I want to ensure that I take the right path.  I've seen and known people that use their circumstance as an excuse to be selfish.  A "dowager countess", or "poor widow" attitude - where everyone in society still today makes excuses for their behavior.

I know that I am not a selfish bitch.  Please don't look at this and think that you have to say "Oh, no, you're not, blah blah blah.....".  I know that.  I am talking more about an inner attitude than outward actions.  I can behave myself with the best of them.   It's what I think when something is happening that has changed.  You would never know.  If you know me at all, you know that it's very difficult to tell how I really, truly feel, much less what I think; unless I let you. I have a privacy fence around my true feelings that has very few gates.

I'm stepping into uncharted territory.  I'm doing my best to finish: probate, transfers of property, vehicle sales and purchases, taxes, completing a year alone, making every decision, and always being the one to pet every animal.  I've done it.  I haven't been perfect, but I don't allow myself to be far off perfect.  However, I am also now a single person.  That's frightening.  I mean.......I realized I was  'single' the night my husband died. I just didn't put all the accessories with it, because the all-engulfing sadness of losing your spouse doesn't let you do that.  As I have traveled the road of time, I am able to put the feelings in their place.  The sadness is there.  So is laughter, pride, aggravation and loneliness.  But it also has me realizing that a part of my life is wearing off.  It's becoming a memory instead of a reality.

I suppose some people choose to put all their feelings under glass and live out the rest of their life in a sort of acid-free, preserved way. And others choose to shift the feelings as they change; to sort them and file them in the right place. Personally, I'm at a crossroads right now.  I know that it's my prerogative to sort the feelings as I choose.  I know that what's right for me is really what's right.  But when the attitude and feelings of others could possibly be affected by my sorting....I have to start caring again.  I have to start thinking along the lines of right and wrong. If you know me, you know that I can't be the snooty widow that does what she wants just because life slapped me in the face one time.  There are things to consider.

I'm still wearing the ring, and probably always will.  It's a thing; a beautiful thing. But its scratches don't actually cause it any pain.  My attitude has to be different toward life and real feelings that actually affect real people.  If I could, I would hide everyone's feelings to protect them, just as the silver was hidden from the Yankees.  As it is, I will remember that right and wrong have re-surfaced for me and I will travel the road carefully, with the rules in mind.  After all......tomorrow is another day!