Briefcases and Tiffany hearts 2/8/14

There were these guys when I was in fifth or sixth grade.  They were smart.  They played kickball, did a little music, but mostly they were the smart guys.  Then all of the sudden, they all started carrying briefcases to school.  A briefcase - like a Wall Street broker or something.  The rest of us just giggled a bit and went back to band, swim team, staking out our favorite equipment on the playground (do the words 'witch's hat' spark a memory, anyone?) and yes - we all played massive kickball tournaments, even briefcase guys.  When the briefcases started their run, I was carrying a clarinet, some played sports, some loved makeup, clothes and shoes, others were under the hood of a car before they could drive.  It's as if, somewhere around ten or eleven years old, a great imaginary dividing ceremony takes place and sends us to our group.

If you're a reader, you are also recognizing this idea from some great fiction out there. "Divergent", the "Harry Potter" series, many others play on this theme, that you all of the sudden 'grow up' and 'find your group' at that age.  The thing is, it's an eternal theme because it rings true in real life.  I watch it happen with the darlings I teach, year after year.  In fourth grade, they start 'hanging around' the kids that are most like them, instead of just anyone.  Girls who take dance outside of school stick together, etc.  And if you think I'm giving an idyllic, fairy-tale view of this natural separation, I will throw this out there:  I referee more mean comments, hurt feelings and actual tears simply because very young friends are growing apart and they don't have the emotional maturity to realize it's okay, you can miss that friend, you can make an effort to still be friends, or you can remain acquaintances.  They don't know. It's their first bump in the road of all their friendships and relationships to come.  By fifth grade, the groups set themselves. I give them a talk each year about moving on to middle school and finding their 'group'.  I love when they come back to me and visit, and band (or choir, or orchestra, or theater...or even football or art) is their whole life, all their friends are from that group and their grades are fantastic and they are headed for college.

I've been living the very adult version of  'finding my group' for the past nine months. Before nine months ago today, I didn't belong to any group that had experienced tragic loss.  Loss of grandparents, older aunts and uncles, yes.  But I had lost no parents, siblings, or children.  I didn't have that frame of reference before May 8th.  I started thinking this way because I saw an image that made me reflect on the changes that take place long after you find your first 'group'.

Tiffany hearts?  Yes, they made me think.  I wore these earrings on Thursday and Friday.  Invariably, every time I looked in the mirror, one heart was upside down.  I fixed it, tightened the back, but to no avail.  Of course, the earrings being hearts, it made me think - my heart has felt upside-down lately. It just jumped out at me that we always need to find our group.  Life changes, and life changes us.  I'm still the person I was before, but with a new addition to my personality.  And it makes me gravitate toward certain people.  I have been able to have better heart-to-heart conversations with friends that have experienced loss than with others lately.  I'm not saying "I'm not your friend anymore" to anyone.  I'm simply feeling more of a kinship with those that always have their 'event' in the front of their minds, just as I do.

The upside-down heart brought that home to me.  A right-side-up heart looks settled, closed, happy, and states 'don't change me'!  An upside-down heart is one that has been turned over and is now looking to find its way back.  Nothing is settled anymore. That is how my earrings taught me a little something about myself this week. Most of me is settled.  But there's a part that's been moving toward a bit of a different group.  And that's okay.  I think every heart should have an upside-down section.  It keeps us from turning inward and never experiencing new things.

The briefcase guys didn't keep carrying briefcases into high school.  The band kids learned to make friends with the athletes.  Finding your group is an ongoing process, because life is an ongoing journey. When you look in the mirror and find out that part of your heart is upside-down at the moment, be happy that in spite of all, you're not too set in your ways to change just a bit.  Because the road twists and turns and you'll be left behind if you don't.