Still no right or wrong? (With apologies to the Yankees...)

The "D" is wearing off my ring; my spoon ring that Mom had made from the DuRant family monogrammed silver. Yes, I will probably joke with you and tell you that we hid that silver from the Yankees, just as Scarlett would have, but I really don't think it's been around that long.  It makes me sad that the initial is a lot less pronounced than it used to be, but I don't want to stop wearing it.  It's one of my favorite pieces of jewelry. What's the right thing to do?  Who will ever love the ring more than I do?  Shouldn't I get the full enjoyment from it?  It's quite a silly dilemma, I know, and it doesn't matter.  I still wonder about how you decide things of this nature, though. Can I truly just do what I want?  Am I really still allowed to say there is no right and no wrong?

    I don't know anymore.  What's right, that is....or what's wrong.  And this sentiment has nothing to do with people that have questioned me or told me "You better watch out...."  I am a very fortunate woman; everyone supports me, cheers me on, tells me how smart I am, etc.  I am obviously smart enough to surround myself with the right people, wink wink.  Here's what I don't know - when do  I throw out that "no right, no wrong" philosophy because it has become a crutch that allows me to be a spoiled brat that says "I want this...." and gets it, with no regard for anyone involved in whatever "it" is?

This is a subject that needs a lot of "thought".  I wish it could be all light and fun.  But it's not, and I do mean to approach it still.  I want to ensure that I take the right path.  I've seen and known people that use their circumstance as an excuse to be selfish.  A "dowager countess", or "poor widow" attitude - where everyone in society still today makes excuses for their behavior.

I know that I am not a selfish bitch.  Please don't look at this and think that you have to say "Oh, no, you're not, blah blah blah.....".  I know that.  I am talking more about an inner attitude than outward actions.  I can behave myself with the best of them.   It's what I think when something is happening that has changed.  You would never know.  If you know me at all, you know that it's very difficult to tell how I really, truly feel, much less what I think; unless I let you. I have a privacy fence around my true feelings that has very few gates.

I'm stepping into uncharted territory.  I'm doing my best to finish: probate, transfers of property, vehicle sales and purchases, taxes, completing a year alone, making every decision, and always being the one to pet every animal.  I've done it.  I haven't been perfect, but I don't allow myself to be far off perfect.  However, I am also now a single person.  That's frightening.  I mean.......I realized I was  'single' the night my husband died. I just didn't put all the accessories with it, because the all-engulfing sadness of losing your spouse doesn't let you do that.  As I have traveled the road of time, I am able to put the feelings in their place.  The sadness is there.  So is laughter, pride, aggravation and loneliness.  But it also has me realizing that a part of my life is wearing off.  It's becoming a memory instead of a reality.

I suppose some people choose to put all their feelings under glass and live out the rest of their life in a sort of acid-free, preserved way. And others choose to shift the feelings as they change; to sort them and file them in the right place. Personally, I'm at a crossroads right now.  I know that it's my prerogative to sort the feelings as I choose.  I know that what's right for me is really what's right.  But when the attitude and feelings of others could possibly be affected by my sorting....I have to start caring again.  I have to start thinking along the lines of right and wrong. If you know me, you know that I can't be the snooty widow that does what she wants just because life slapped me in the face one time.  There are things to consider.

I'm still wearing the ring, and probably always will.  It's a thing; a beautiful thing. But its scratches don't actually cause it any pain.  My attitude has to be different toward life and real feelings that actually affect real people.  If I could, I would hide everyone's feelings to protect them, just as the silver was hidden from the Yankees.  As it is, I will remember that right and wrong have re-surfaced for me and I will travel the road carefully, with the rules in mind.  After all......tomorrow is another day!

The Voice of Authority 7/30/13

It comes naturally to most teachers; that take-charge voice that can command a crowd.  If you're a very good teacher, it will simply sound authoritative and never sound like yelling.  There is an art to it!  As with any art form, some are more talented than others.  I want to make clear from the start of this post that I do not equate an authoritative voice with actual intelligence, necessarily.  (Except in my case, of course!)  Just because someone can speak as if they know what they are doing and know what is best for you, it "ain't necessarily so".

I speak loudly when necessary.  My sisters and I yelled a lot at growing up.  Not in a bad way, just.....LOUD!  We weren't obnoxiously loud in public (usually), but the house.....that was another story.  With three girls, there was a good bit of yelling that happened in the house.  It wasn't a large house, either.  We just got in a habit of yelling to each other across the house and it stuck.  Mama, the drama teacher, never had to tell us to project! So, I have to ability to speak very strongly. It's truly different from yelling, mind you, but still quite strong. (and a bit loud ;)  Using a strong speaking voice is an effective tool in the classroom, especially since I moved to Texas and teach anywhere from twenty to fifty children at a time! Here's a clarification for the rest of the story, however: speaking with authority does not have to involve a loud volume.  You can speak softly and project a quiet confidence that draws others to listen.  So don't think "loud", think "authority"!

The voice of authority has other uses besides the classroom.  Have you ever tried to return anything at a store?  I knew someone once that had to make up a complete story about why the item didn't work.  How ridiculous!  If you are within the return policy, I told that friend, you simply say "I'd like to return this, please.".  If you sound like you know what you're doing, 95% of the battle is already won.

I feel a little sorry for people that don't have the authority-voice. I have a former boss that has a real fear of microphones.  I also have several friends that think they can't speak in front of a crowd.  One, recently, just HAD to make the crowd laugh with her.  I think she made a joke about picturing all of them in their underwear, or naked....OK, maybe that works.  If the crowd laughs, they are with you - they are listening.  That's the point, right?  I believe everyone should have an authority-voice that they can use when necessary.

The voice of authority can make people behave - if used properly.  Once, at a gathering, one attendee had imbibed (!) a couple of glasses of wine, and was not listening to anyone.  I used my quiet voice of authority and said:  "Put your glass down, now."  Immediate compliance.  I won't lie - we gave several more commands to watch to whom the person would listen....turned out to be only me!  You can use the voice creatively and as entertainment.

Sometimes the voice of authority can save lives.  I heard a story from my children a few nights ago.  They went to a concert at which they had general admission "lawn seats".  The lawn at this venue is quite large, but was sold out for this particular event, therefore quite crowded.  A group of younger students was in front of my children and their friends.  One of the younger girls passed out.  Her friends phoned her mom, but just left her lying there until such time that the mom would arrive. My children, and all their friends, spoke up with the voice of authority and said "You need to get her to the paramedics, she is in danger!"  The younger group did not agree.  But my children and their friends stepped up to the occasion, carried the girl to the paramedics, by which time she obviously needed help and was taken in an ambulance.  My children and their friends did not know this girl, but they prevailed against her extremely immature friends and helped the young lady to medical attention.  In my mind's eye, I can hear my daughter using her authority-voice to tell those kids off.  (This has another moral, too - parents, please tell your children that their safety and well-being will always come before any "punishment".  Safety first, discussions about behavior later, because you love them!)

The most important use of an authoritative voice, however, is to advance you in school or career.  This is one of the main lessons I teach when students perform "programs" and receive a "speaking part".  If I can encourage a second-grader to speak clearly into a microphone, and then have that same child add emotion or comic timing by the time they are in fourth grade, I am giving them a valuable skill that will last a lifetime. I'm lucky enough to have seen many of them succeed as adults.  Only occasionally do they realize that Mrs. McCarty helped start them on their path to success, but that's all right, I still know where it all began!

I encourage you, when you know what you're talking about, speak out! Don't over-use the skill, find the balance.  Make sure you speak for fairness and good. Speak with authority! Only do so, though, if you are sure that you are correct. Be confident! When it comes the time to speak up for what is right against those that would do the wrong thing, be glad that you can use your authority for right to prevail.


"There is no index of character so sure as the voice."    Benjamin Disraeli

Piece by piece...... 5/5/13

I bought a raffle ticket for a beautiful quilt back in February.  Either I didn't win, or they haven't had the drawing yet, I don't even remember.  I just know that it was a good cause and it was pretty.  Even though there are no quilts actually covering any of the beds in my house, I really love them.  The designs, the fine stitching, the stories of how quilting served a social and practical purpose in history; all of that is fascinating to me. 

I personally have only ever made one quilt square.  The ladies of the church each constructed a square.  The squares were then sewn together and quilted with batting and backing as a gift for the departing preacher's wife.  I don't know if my square held up or not, but the final product was very nice - especially when I compared it in my mind to my one raw-edged square.

Since I have lived in a few different places, I think and reminisce about friends all over the world quite often.  Certain people are just strongholds to me.  Others are acquaintances with whom it is fun to laugh and joke.  Many of my friends were my students at one time.  I still feel that I have the role of encourager to them - even though they are well-grown with families of their own.  The way that everyone you know is connected to you is unique - like a quilt.

Imagine a weekend morning where you stayed in bed a little longer, all cozy. You know the comforting weight of the covers that keep your body warm?  That is your daily network - everyone that is a part of your routine.  Co-workers, teachers, students, the same worker where you buy your coffee every day.....they hold us in place and keep us steady. 

The beautiful, spread-out, cool section of the quilt - you know, you kick out and run your foot under it every now and then - is the part of our network that remains with us even though we have moved on.  The cousins, friends from school, the ones from our first job, the former students, the other parents from when your own children were young; they remain a part of our covering even years later. 

What about the corners of the quilt?  You know that there are the people that you knew, spent time with and laughed with, yet you are only in contact with them if you there is a tragedy or a need.  They are beautiful, helpful members of your quilt - they just don't receive as much wear from you.

Finally -  that part of the covers that you pull up next to your face to snuggle?  That is the part of your quilt that you need daily - your family, your best friends, the ones that help you with problems ranging from running out of eggs to serious illness or job struggles. All of us need those who are the always-there, constant people in our lives, and we feel cold and uncomfortable without them.

My quilt is beautiful.  It's also unique. Everyone's is unique!  I am thankful for all the friends and influences I have had in my life - and I am going to keep trying to smooth and take care of the snugly part of my quilt - as well as to straighten and appreciate the corners and everyone in-between.