First day blues.....I got 'em. I prepared myself to go back to work, I did. I wrote another piece to tell people how I feel, but please treat me normally - and they did! I love them! I went in with dear friends last week who helped do some of the not-fun work in the classroom! I'm ahead of my usual game! (So I thought....) Then, it happened.
I was up until midnight, having caught a flight back to Houston from instilling dear daughters in their college apartment. I told them goodbye, hugged them, told them I loved them and walked away. It took until after I got through security for it to hit me - I'm alone. I can do what I want right now, as long as I make my plane. And that won't change. After I get home tonight, I can do what I want, and nobody will even have a clue. Whether I watch TV, eat a snack, play the piano, read a book, do some sewing, clean house, play computer games, blog.......it's my time and nobody is there to interrupt it. The very thought that used to sound idyllic is now nothing but sad.
In truth, the reality was a couple of games of that candy game, then sleep. Alarm ringing far too early, and going about the morning routine that I've followed for years. Monday morning kicking me..."keep moving!" it says. Realizing as I leave the house that I can turn off the coffee and all the lights, nobody else is there to wake up later. Getting to work and seeing my good friends, and all the other precious people. They have chik-fil-a breakfast biscuits!! Woo-hoo! All good, healthy intentions go out the window as I get a biscuit to go with my coffee. I sit in my assigned place, take two bites of breakfast deliciousness (in-between talking) and then the announcement begins. "Time for our ice-breaker!" With all the veracity in the world, and no sarcasm (although I know that my faithful readers always imagine my sarcasm, because they know me), it was not a bad ice-breaker. Clever idea. Comment or contact me somehow if you weren't there and want to know the details. But was my mind on the game? NO! There was a chicken biscuit sitting there getting cold, doesn't anyone see how dire the situation is? Alas, it was not warm at all by the time the ice-breaker was over. That was a real shame, as for the next twenty-three minutes, I had to watch an inspirational speaker on video. Great ideas, of course. They wouldn't pay for/use these things if they weren't good. But did they know my biscuit was cold and the cafeteria seat was only three-quarters the size of my personal seating area?
The meetings weren't too bad. It's as if someone even heard some of my suggestions. Yes, there was some reading of papers (not even a powerpoint - just a paper under an Elmo document viewer, as if anyone in the room could read it.) , but there were also a lot of portions where just the new and important information was given. Not great, but not bad.
The hard part was a simple thing. Every year we fill out an emergency contact sheet. You know, who to contact in case of emergency. I saw everyone around me putting their husband's/wife's name on the first line, and the "I'm so weird!" brick hit me again. The tears were just behind my eyes the rest of the day. Almost. Lunch with my team was good and fun. But being in the classroom just feels different now. All afternoon to work in the classroom, too! But the core of me knows I'm alone, even if I'm surrounded by friends. Oh, I also found out that another car needs a $400 repair and the dogs escaped today. They were back home by the time I saw the text, I'm thankful for that and for dear friend that hunts down my dogs.
The point is....there's no point. I am alone. But not totally. Pouring these words onto the computer helps. I actually think the day might've felt different, though, if I would have gotten to finish that biscuit before it got cold. Maybe tomorrow.
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