Adam Levine is pretty - but just let me look at the sky occasionally 9/21/13

*to Ramona, Christina, Tricia, Meiling and mostly Cathi - thanks for the fun!!

It was a beautiful Thursday night for an outdoor concert.  The rain had cleared and brought the temperature down!  The crowd was immense.  I think every woman and half the men in Houston came out to breathe the same air as Adam Levine.  Maroon 5 is a good band.  But their front man - he sells more than music. Those magazine covers, shirtless.  The always-stylish hair, tattoos, tight clothes. He plays the part of "rock god" to the hilt.  Oh yeah, and he can sing.

I got invited by a very sweet friend to go along with a few other ladies.  I love concerts, and just by inviting me, she gave me a "thing" to look forward to that could take the place of the other wanderings my mind does these days.  Kelly Clarkson and Maroon 5!  Big talent!  Fun friends!  Laughing!  Oh yeah - I laugh a lot.  Sad people can laugh, too.  Things don't stop being funny just because you're sad about something. Sometimes I lead with laughter.  Other times, I simply smile because no laughter is inside me.  I try to do what looks "normal", even though I'm not normal....yet. 

Kelly Clarkson sings a lot of songs about losing boyfriends. I never realized how songs about losing a boyfriend could have so many lyrics that closely mirrored losing a spouse.  Never mind "What Doesn't Kill You".... I was still getting my dinner (nachos, yum.....we bluffed our way into the VIP line so we didn't have to wait as long), so that one didn't really reach me.  But then there was "Because of You", and  "My Life Would Suck Without You".  (Of course, my mind changed the second title to "My Life Does Suck Without You.") I sat, listened, and just looked up at the sky when the waves of sadness came.  The clouds were beautiful.  The moon was to our left.  Only two or three stars were visible, sometimes even those ducking behind the clouds.  I looked for a bit, then it would pass.  Silly songs, silly lyrics, silly middle-aged lady taking them to heart.

After Kelly, the headliners were on stage.  I had personally forgotten how many hits they've had over the years - songs that passed through my eardrums into my brain during the time that daughters ruled the car radio. (In my humble opinion, there is still good music being written and recorded today.  You just need to look a little harder for it.  The fun part about a blog is that it can be my soapbox if I want, it's my blog!)  So, back to Adam Levine. I got the general impression that about 80% of the women in the audience would have left the place with him - as well as about 10% of the men.  Even all the happily married women would have at least wanted to.....introduce the husband? Have coffee?  Show him pics of the kids?  He's very magnetic, and a huge cross-section of America wants to adopt him, for one reason or another. The other percentage of the audience were huge fans of the music - like the short, chubby dancing man in front of us.  I appreciate and understand the craze about Mr. Levine.....but I felt as if everyone was in a museum with me, going crazy over the impressionists.  While I thought they were pretty, I wanted to wander down the hall and look at the Old Masters. I texted my girls at college: "Good concert. Adam Levine is pretty".  (Adam, if you read this, Maddy says she's single.) 

I am actually writing about this to work through why I feel that I would rather meet Jagger than "Moves Like Jagger".   Is it my age?  I'm sure that's a big part.  But most of all,  I just know that I'm still having to look at the sky way too often. I probably don't want to meet Jagger, either.  I try to hide it still.   On any day, if I seem together and happy and secure - I've probably gotten more bad news.  Anymore when bad news comes my way, I seem to deflect it as if I'm wearing some sort of armor. 

Is the fact that I don't react immediately, sadly, uncontrollably, falling-apart-to-broken due to strength?  No.  I've heard that one a lot - "You are so strong."  Meant as a compliment, I hope, to tell me that you admire the fact that I'm not in a fetal position on the floor, screaming.  But it's not strength that keeps me going. There's nothing strong about sighing while I get ready for work, because the house is so empty.  There's nothing strong about hiding behind my smart board to wipe away tears because my choir just broke into "Keep Your Head Up".   There's nothing strong about going to an awesome concert with friends and laughing a lot about family, work and life.  That's just living.  Others may or may not notice when I look at the sky - I don't do it to be noticed, so it's ok if you don't.  I just know that it's a measure of how often I have to re-gather myself to continue being normal.  So I listen to Kelly Clarkson's amazing voice, appreciate her songs and the honest, funny way she talks to the audience, and I just stop and look at the sky when I have to.  And I watch and listen to Adam Levine and Maroon 5, and look at the sky when I have to.  After a few thoughts, a few breaths, I look back at the stage, or if I really need to cheer up, the short chubby dancing man.  It was a good night, friends.  Thank you.

The Restoration of Joy as a Whack-a-Mole 6/30/13

I started to wonder today if I will ever feel pure joy again.  The true, pure, bubbling-from-inside joy that we feel when something is incorrupt, happy , adorable, innocent, comical, surprising......you get it, right?

It's as if my joy has become a whack-a-mole.  I hear something funny.  I laugh.  I think: "oh wait until I tell Scott.."  whack.  I see a commercial for a cool new show.  "Cool! I'll have to tell Scott!"  whack.
The kitten (is anything a more pure joy than a kitten?) is jumping great distances, playing with a new toy, just being so joyfully CUTE - and I think "I can't wait until Scott sees her...." WHACK!!!

If I'm with someone - maybe one of you that actually reads this - and I laugh......it's not fake!  I do still find things funny, amusing, frustrating, you name it!  It's just that when I feel those emotions, I had thirty years of being able to share them with him.  Funny was funny twice.  Frustration got shared and ridiculed.  (Sometimes the ridicule was pointed at me for getting frustrated!!)  Cute animal stuff was a staple of our lives.  If one of the dogs was asleep, dreaming and yelping, sitting an adorable way - we had a code - "Look at big white dog!" - because we knew saying their name would distract them and change the moment.

I know that joy is promised from God.  I can still hear that lady singing "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation...."in church when I was young.  That particular quote came from David - yes, the Old Testament King David.  But David needed his joy restored because he had sinned big time (adultery, murder....big time).  What did I do to deserve this? Was this a plan for him and me from the beginning?  I don't think I would have agreed to it. Why us? Why me? One of the many questions I have for that big Q&A session in the sky. 

I will try, you know.  I don't intend to become a depressed, sad, mean person.  But don't forget that underneath the trying, I'm not whole.  He was indeed my other half, so I'm not complete any more.  But will I ever feel joy without getting whacked?  I'm not sure.  I think all happy occasions that may occur for me for the rest of my life will be tinged with sadness.  I can't imagine it happening any other way.  So please understand if something really happy or funny is going on - and I just close my eyes and get quiet for a minute.  It's to absorb the whack.