I Just Need Bigger Hair, That's All 10/18/13

I read a lot.  Books, magazines, articles, blogs, bumper stickers, notes I confiscate from students.....you get the idea.  It's one of the greatest pleasures in life; being wrapped up in a great story, and only stopping to read out of pure necessity, then realizing it's ninety minutes later than it was a minute ago! 

Lately I've been reading about grief.  Some of the reading is helpful, some depressing, all at least a little sad.  I thought I was helping myself.  In the past few weeks, things have been a little harder.  The dear friends that I've shared this with understand and tell me their experiences.  "The holidays are always difficult no matter how much time passes.  It's been six months and you're just realizing how permanent this is.  You have had to be so strong without a break, you must be mentally exhausted." So I'm here to say - you're right.  The holidays are going to be way difficult, always and forever.  I am just starting to feel the constancy of being alone.  And I am exhausted.  I am such a controller, though, that I control who gets to see and hear my breakdowns.  (It's mostly those friends mentioned above that understand those things.....they've been there in one way or another, so I don't think they'll find me mentally unstable.)

I thought I would help myself.  I googled 'grief harder at six months'.  I can do this!  I can READ myself whole again, right?  Lo and behold, the first result was a blog call 'Handling with Grace'.  What a coincidence!  I am "Grace Under Pressure", and this is so similar to mine!  I had to read.  I just knew it would help.  I started reading.  It's a heartbreaking post from a young woman, dated 1/31/12, six months since she lost her mother to brain cancer.  Beautifully written, I will share the link below so you can check it out if you are interested.  But I got distracted while reading.  What beautiful pictures!  What a neat font!  How do you get your archived blogs to show on the sidebar?  Do mine show?  I don't know!  You have ads!  Holy cow, this blog is like the perfect cheerleader/princess of blogs.  I feel like the Cinderella (before fairy godmother) of blogs!  I am sorry that my confession of attention disorder is not giving the respect to this lady's blog that it deserves. That's why I will share it below, it really is thoughtful and beautiful.   I started blogging for myself, therefore I chose a layout, font, color, title, etc. that pleased me.  I never thought I would have the nerve to share what I wrote.  As it turns out, I've become quite the sharer.....and I never really looked back to see if things were ok.  That's kind of like not looking in the mirror, right? (And this is not begging for compliments.....I liked what I saw when I looked again, I was just surprised that I didn't look at what was out there before I put mine together.)

But that other blog was such a beauty.  I went running to the mirror to see if I could even compete. My blog looked like a middle-schooler, the other was like a homecoming queen. It felt like eighth grade all over again.  I always needed more, so I thought.  More eye shadow, more lip gloss, more and bigger hair....the only things I needed less of were braces and pimples.  I am still trying to achieve that perfection in life.  I am also more aware now than ever that I just am who I am.  You see, six months alone can make you take a good hard look at yourself, even if there is no intention of trying to make anyone else look.  You know what?  The braces are gone.  Yep, just teeth now.  Everything else still feels like I need more.  I just need bigger hair, and I'll feel better about myself.  Right?  Who am I trying to kid?

I figured it out. Reading can fix a little bit. I just read what I'd written above, and it helped me determine something:  Blogging helps, but it doesn't cure anything. There's just something missing.  That voice that used to tell me I was pretty. Or laugh at me.  Or laugh with me. That voice would have either not cared about how the blog looked, or researched five million ways to make it really cool.  No amount of big hair or an archived sidebar can bring that back.  And that is the real reason that grief is harder at six months.








http://www.handlingwithgrace.com/2012/01/grief-at-6-months.html