No right or wrong......right? 6/10/13

Please just keep telling me there is no right or wrong way to handle this.  If I laugh at something, I feel guilty.  If I eat, I feel guilty.  If I haven't teared up or cried in a while, I feel guilty.  I am not the picture of a woman whose husband has just died suddenly and young.

Well, maybe not.  If you count the obsessiveness over the event and surroundings, then maybe I am.  If you count the blank staring time, yeah, maybe. If you count the very act of sitting and typing these words to try to make myself feel better - I am a picture, just not a typical one.  But what is typical?

Everyone says "Do what you feel".  "Go back to work when you feel ready".  On and on, emphasizing that our personalities are all different and what is right for one person may not be right for another.  At least society has come that far.  I want to get back to normal, I just don't want to stumble along the way.  But I probably will.

I just want to be me.  I like attention, but not this kind.  I am held together and propelled onward, however, by the fact that people have reached out to me with cards, food, gift cards, flowers, and facebook messages.  Now that they are slowing down, I keep looking for more.  Is that wrong?  Oh yeah, no right, no wrong - right?

There's too much when this happens.  Too much to do, too much that I think is expected, too much to share, too much to keep in.  Too much exhaustion and too much of being wired with no sleep.  Too much food.  Too many fears.  I just don't know what to do with all the too.

I worry for my kids.  Not about them, they are strong and wonderful.  But for them.  Does that make sense?

This morning, someone posted a Sondheim song on facebook - "Losing My Mind".  I guess the song is about a wanna-be affair, but what a message!   I wake up, I think of you.  I eat breakfast, I think of you......sometimes I just stand still, not moving......and I think of you.  Truth.

I consider a night of sleep without taking a pill a victory. 

Crying in the grocery store is ok, right?


Three weeks yesterday.  Time just goes on, and time has no idea that my husband is gone.

A little something is wrong with one of the cars - I feel his absence as if someone has ripped out my insides.

I'm starting to feel tired.  I've been standing, walking, working, talking, decision-making, questioning, researching, communicating......living but without the joy.......and it's become exhausting.  I think people are worried about me if I'm alone, but I need to be alone a little bit.  I feel all the work weighing down on me, like the world on Atlas.  I need peaceful rest.  It will be four weeks in a couple days, and I feel as if every muscle has been clenched since it happened. 

The sadness is a stealthy attacker.  I tried to go see a movie. One of the previews was something we would have wanted to see together - and I realized I would never see a movie with him again.  Crying during previews - not usually done.  Not wrong, because nothing is wrong......right?

I've realized a lot of things will never happen again.  I've realized that now - when shock and grief is as fresh as the dawn - you accomplish all the things that need to get done with the help of loving family and friends.  I've realized that songs are going to make me cry.  Seeing certain items in the grocery store is going to make me cry.  Typing about crying will make me cry.  But the main thing I've realized is that when you love someone as much as I loved him, you miss them every day, hour, and second of your life when they are gone. I don't think this will change once a year has gone by, instead of just a month.  Sorry.  If I'm driving, laughing, doing laundry, teaching, talking on the phone, shopping........anything.......I miss him. I'll love him for all of my life.  Good thing that can't be wrong.