In 2002, I was privileged to participate in the Live Oak Writing Project. It was a seminar on teaching writing, no matter what your subject. We spent one of our days walking around New Orleans and writing about what we saw or felt. As a salute to all you "summer vacationers:", here's my observation of the "Tourist":
Tourist
Tourist
Straw hat
Backpack
Map in hand
Tourist
Reading menus
Figuring tips
Having discussions
Tourist
Eating breakfast out
Taking an afternoon nap
Dinner at a theme-chain
Tourist
Tired feet
Sweaty hair
Two days 'til home
Tourist
Happy vacation-ing, eveybody!!
Monday, July 21, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Lunch and a Lecture
I feel like I just got in trouble. Correction, I feel as if I just got in trouble for something I didn't do. I have written about the arbitrary timeline that people place on grief before. However, I never thought that somebody would look me right in the face and tell me that others could be offended or hurt if I didn't respect the one year period.
I do want to clarify a couple of things. First of all, I am past the one year mark. (I almost said finish line, because that's the impression I got from today's lecture. ) I am, however, dating Robbie, who experienced his loss only nine months prior to the "words of warning". We are seriously dating. We have not run away to Las Vegas.
When a widow even starts to date a widower, two entire families and countless other friends are affected. The couple has to choose how to balance getting to know each other and possibly letting a relationship grow with being mindful of the fact that a mother, father, sister, brother and a child are gone. The remaining children, siblings and parents can't ever find someone that will allow a new start. That kind of relationship can't be replaced. I like how this clip explains it - substitute your own relationship for the word Dad:
The Dead Dads Club
Discussions about how to respect, love, understand and ease the way for everybody have been a habit for Robbie and me since the beginning. While we want all family members on both sides to be happy for us, we want them to know that we respect what they have lost. We also want them to know that we hold our own memories sacred, and both of us completely comprehend that we were happy with another person for thirty years or so. We are not trying to replace the ones that were lost. That's impossible.
So we listened to the lecturer, remaining politely silent while knowing inside that we are definitely trying our utmost to respect everybody and live up to our responsibilities. The only part where we missed the mark was on the one-year period of mourning. Robbie later asked these questions: "What am I supposed to do for that year? Go home to the empty house? Not talk to another woman? Not go on a date? Be sad night after night?"
If he doesn't do those things, will he get in trouble? Will I get in trouble if I'm involved? Would we not be "received" in polite society? Will our daughters never be presented? Will our sons never be invited to join the country club? Last century, perhaps, or the one before. We are not concerned with rules or silly consequences. We are concerned that all of our family members that suffered irreplaceable loss are given the time they need to understand that we haven't forgotten anybody; nor are we trying to replace them. We've made up our own rules, with love, responsibility and understanding as the guidelines. To answer the lecturer: it will probably take that long, but not because it's a magic number of days or months. It may take that long because we hold so many of you dear and love you as much or more than we care for ourselves. The lecturer is one of the dearest and most deeply affected. We want to do the right thing, timeline or not. We love you all.
I do want to clarify a couple of things. First of all, I am past the one year mark. (I almost said finish line, because that's the impression I got from today's lecture. ) I am, however, dating Robbie, who experienced his loss only nine months prior to the "words of warning". We are seriously dating. We have not run away to Las Vegas.
When a widow even starts to date a widower, two entire families and countless other friends are affected. The couple has to choose how to balance getting to know each other and possibly letting a relationship grow with being mindful of the fact that a mother, father, sister, brother and a child are gone. The remaining children, siblings and parents can't ever find someone that will allow a new start. That kind of relationship can't be replaced. I like how this clip explains it - substitute your own relationship for the word Dad:
The Dead Dads Club
Discussions about how to respect, love, understand and ease the way for everybody have been a habit for Robbie and me since the beginning. While we want all family members on both sides to be happy for us, we want them to know that we respect what they have lost. We also want them to know that we hold our own memories sacred, and both of us completely comprehend that we were happy with another person for thirty years or so. We are not trying to replace the ones that were lost. That's impossible.
So we listened to the lecturer, remaining politely silent while knowing inside that we are definitely trying our utmost to respect everybody and live up to our responsibilities. The only part where we missed the mark was on the one-year period of mourning. Robbie later asked these questions: "What am I supposed to do for that year? Go home to the empty house? Not talk to another woman? Not go on a date? Be sad night after night?"
If he doesn't do those things, will he get in trouble? Will I get in trouble if I'm involved? Would we not be "received" in polite society? Will our daughters never be presented? Will our sons never be invited to join the country club? Last century, perhaps, or the one before. We are not concerned with rules or silly consequences. We are concerned that all of our family members that suffered irreplaceable loss are given the time they need to understand that we haven't forgotten anybody; nor are we trying to replace them. We've made up our own rules, with love, responsibility and understanding as the guidelines. To answer the lecturer: it will probably take that long, but not because it's a magic number of days or months. It may take that long because we hold so many of you dear and love you as much or more than we care for ourselves. The lecturer is one of the dearest and most deeply affected. We want to do the right thing, timeline or not. We love you all.
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