One year, cloudy water and Mother's Day

This was intended to be my final post.  I told myself  "I'll end it at the one year anniversary.  I'll just let it be about the first year of grief."  I tell myself a lot of things that don't happen.  There's a story that is my life and I've chosen to chronicle it here.  It would be unfair to leave it hanging at this point.  I'm wanting to know what happens myself!

Mother's Day morning, the pool water was yellow and cloudy.  Somehow, the cloudy water mirrored my attitude.  Three days prior was the one year mark for Scott's death. It was a day.  Not horrible, not great, just a day.  I called his mom, I called my girls.  I was grateful that the girls did the public, social media "wish you were still here" tribute.  Both were beautiful, and I didn't want to have to do that.

I received one note in the mail before that day.  It was from Maria, my college roommate, who lost her husband the very same way last September.  Maria gets it.  She understands that the date must be acknowledged, but she also knows about Robbie and how I'm feeling hopeful again.  Part of her note said :You can now walk into May 9th and into your next chapter, or rather volume, feeling happy and excited."  I kept that in mind on Friday, May 9th.  I took a breath and carried on, thinking positively.

Friday turned out to be a positive day.  Robbie sent me flowers at work.  That's a big deal.  A beautiful arrangement that was still going strong a week later, and a nice note.  Positive, happy and excited were on the front burner.  Saturday then dawned bright and my mood wasn't even shattered by Gordon getting dirt all over my white linen pants.  Although alone most of the morning, I solved that problem by leisurely shopping and doing errands.  My friend came over in the afternoon, we hit the pool and then saw a movie.  Not too bad.

Mother's Day Sunday, I woke to one nice note, although not from my kids (at that point).  When I looked out the window, I was surprised to see the the pool water had turned a cloudy yellow. I immediately checked chemicals, turned on filters, researched "yellow, cloudy water", scrubbed, emptied, etc. etc.  I then sat back and crossed my fingers. That's what I do with the pool, a lot of the time.  It may have been Mother's Day, but that water was not going to clear itself!  The rest of the day was filled with either visiting or talking with those whom I love.  I was only alone for a portion of the morning.  I did talk to one person that was having their first mother's day without the mom of the family.  As much as I want to reach out, and even though I've experienced almost the very same thing, I don't feel I helped very much.  Some days are just hard.


I don't like not being able to help people and I don't like not being able to help myself.  Thank goodness these "hard days" only last a while.  Time marched on, I've seen Robbie face to face again, and last night my girls came home.....with a Mother's Day present.  The few hours of the cloudy water and being alone have faded away like the cloudy water itself.  All it took to clear the water was two bags of chlorine shock and a little time for filtering.

Most of the past year has been cloudy for me.  I've learned that it is possible for the cloudiness to clear with time.  It took the shock of the fact that life can go on with happiness and the time to filter that fact. It might not be exactly one year, but dismissing the timeline is becoming easier.  Just this past weekend (two weeks after mother's day), the cloudiness started to creep back into the pool. No fair! I thought it was gone! I also thought that grief might disappear with the one year mark. You guessed it. It doesn't. It can be eased, though. Shock and time.  Go away, cloudy days.  I choose the shock of feeling happy and secure once again along with the time that has gone by to banish cloudiness and restore clear vision.

Letting It Go 5/1/14

We watched "Frozen" this past weekend, Robbie and I.  I have had a secret longing to see it for a while now.  Any movie that captures that many kid's hearts has to have some bit of greatness to it.  Truthfully, for me it didn't compare with "Lion King" or "Beauty and the Beast", but it tried. It was very well done and the music was amazing.  I personally was excited and thankful to hear the choral music sprinkled throughout.  Nice job.  So now I can join all the others of you out there in the "Let It Go" craze.

Today, I watched the cute, cute video of some Marines watching "Frozen" and singing along with "Let It Go". It's adorable.  They go absolutely crazy when Elsa throws it down near the end, hair escaping and Oscar-worthy ice evening gown spinning up from her magic. Watch this if you have the time. Play it and forward to 2:20 if you don't.

Marines watch "Frozen" (5/9/14 - my apologies, but I guess the owner disabled the link!  It was adorable, though!) (6/3/14 CLICK IT!!!  It's back, for a while at least!!)

Here's the point, simple and clear.  Elsa was finally being HERSELF.  Totally herself.  And the men went crazy.  Sure, she's drawn beautifully; what Disney heroine isn't?  But I choose to believe that this video has a 'moral to the story'.  Men want strong women that don't hide anything and are just......themselves.  I should qualify that and say "most men".  By most, I mean the ones worth keeping.

I'm vain.  There it is.  Clothes, hair, makeup?  Very important.  I like to look as nice as possible and I enjoy compliments.  If you've read past blogs, you know that it's just a part of who I am.  When I started dating again, I had a serious desire....to look good!  I'm realistic, I don't deny the root touch-up, I complain about the zit on my chin (even though I'm fifty-one) and I call myself  'medium', because skinny was many years ago.  I just want it to be known that I still care and I still try.

I had quite a few moments of panic, starting to date....until I realized that 'he' actually liked me.  Robbie actually liked ME. Wow.  My confidence came back with a vengeance.  I got teased about "being bitten by the love bug" because I was wearing red lipstick.  I suppose that could actually be a clue, if things work as I'm thinking right now.

Then, I wrote the blog about "The Circle of Life" from "The Lion King".  A sweet friend messaged me privately, saying many nice things, including this:

" I think Let it go from Frozen would be more appropriate for the teacher I knew so long ago and more accommodating to your beautiful singing voice."

Wait, I just watched "Frozen"! I know what you're talking about!  I have stepped out and just decided to let it go....to let life go on, and to be myself without apologies!  It worked, too!  He liked it!  I was me from the start.  There were no gloves involved......and it turned out fine!

So, those Marines were showing us a truth.....no matter who you are, or what it is you need to "Let Go", be yourself.  Don't pretend not to eat if you're hungry, or that spiders are gross if you like them, or laugh quietly if you really don't.  Be YOURSELF.  You are beautiful and the right person will see it.  Let it go......in the way that allows you to be you.

P.S.  There is a comment under the Marine video, by the person that posted it, that says they went crazy when she shook her hair down because it was "hot".  I just decided to interpret what "hot" meant.  Interpreting and encouraging - that's the "real me".  ;)