I started to wonder today if I will ever feel pure joy again. The true, pure, bubbling-from-inside joy that we feel when something is incorrupt, happy , adorable, innocent, comical, surprising......you get it, right?
It's as if my joy has become a whack-a-mole. I hear something funny. I laugh. I think: "oh wait until I tell Scott.." whack. I see a commercial for a cool new show. "Cool! I'll have to tell Scott!" whack.
The kitten (is anything a more pure joy than a kitten?) is jumping great distances, playing with a new toy, just being so joyfully CUTE - and I think "I can't wait until Scott sees her...." WHACK!!!
If I'm with someone - maybe one of you that actually reads this - and I laugh......it's not fake! I do still find things funny, amusing, frustrating, you name it! It's just that when I feel those emotions, I had thirty years of being able to share them with him. Funny was funny twice. Frustration got shared and ridiculed. (Sometimes the ridicule was pointed at me for getting frustrated!!) Cute animal stuff was a staple of our lives. If one of the dogs was asleep, dreaming and yelping, sitting an adorable way - we had a code - "Look at big white dog!" - because we knew saying their name would distract them and change the moment.
I know that joy is promised from God. I can still hear that lady singing "Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation...."in church when I was young. That particular quote came from David - yes, the Old Testament King David. But David needed his joy restored because he had sinned big time (adultery, murder....big time). What did I do to deserve this? Was this a plan for him and me from the beginning? I don't think I would have agreed to it. Why us? Why me? One of the many questions I have for that big Q&A session in the sky.
I will try, you know. I don't intend to become a depressed, sad, mean person. But don't forget that underneath the trying, I'm not whole. He was indeed my other half, so I'm not complete any more. But will I ever feel joy without getting whacked? I'm not sure. I think all happy occasions that may occur for me for the rest of my life will be tinged with sadness. I can't imagine it happening any other way. So please understand if something really happy or funny is going on - and I just close my eyes and get quiet for a minute. It's to absorb the whack.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
"It'll be hard", they said. 6/24/13
"It'll be hard", they said. "You have to make sure you take care of yourself", they said. "All the feelings will come back again", they said. And they were right.
People tell you how you will feel for certain events. Movies and TV tell us to cry at weddings, cry when we leave our first-born at kindergarten, bean with pride at graduation, etc. Everyone is full of advice for those that are grieving a loved ones' loss, too. Mostly, they are right on track. Mostly.
You see, "they" can say all they want to you - but nothing prepares you for the waves of grief. You can be going through all the motions of life, talking, laughing, helping prepare dinner, cleaning up - and CRASH! Tears, sobbing, struck silent because speaking would turn into crazy shrieking......it all hits you like a huge salt-water wave from behind. Then life goes on pause while you cry it out, talk it through, do whatever it takes to re-surface from the drowning that is grief.
So I'll agree - it was hard. Being together with the entire family but feeling his absence like a knife in my stomach was hard. Making sure all the details for the service were in place, yet knowing all along why we were doing those things was hard. The finality of people arriving at the chapel, the service actually happening, seeing and welcoming old friends for a terrible, terrible reason was hard. It was also beautiful, comforting, and a blessing. Because those friends weren't just there for him. They were there for us. That part of celebrating and remembering someone's life is amazing. You see each other and although years have taken their toll on the physical appearance, the jokes, personalities, and love you've had for these friends immediately resurfaces. Then you promise to get together again soon and not let so much time pass.
All of that was hard. But you know what's even harder? After. The service ends, the friends go to their homes, the visiting with family ends, we head home, and......nothing. Nothing to look forward to. Waking up and thinking "why?" The hammer of ALONE FOREVER hitting me in the head again and again. Convincing myself to do chores and catch up on TV and try to enjoy the pool when I'd rather sit in my bathrobe and stare.
It's a kaleidoscope of feelings - twisting toward resigned, happy memories, sadness, anger, despair, etc. etc. And there are no "stages" (sorry, Ms. Ross). There is more a gumbo of different feelings that swim around and attack you when you suspect it least.
So - go ahead, tell me how I will feel. At least I'll know that someone else has been there and knows how hard it is, and that it hits without warning. If I'm crying, talk to me anyway, that's better than being alone forever. And if it happens to you, or to someone close to you - remember: It'll be hard.
Truer words were never spoken.
People tell you how you will feel for certain events. Movies and TV tell us to cry at weddings, cry when we leave our first-born at kindergarten, bean with pride at graduation, etc. Everyone is full of advice for those that are grieving a loved ones' loss, too. Mostly, they are right on track. Mostly.
You see, "they" can say all they want to you - but nothing prepares you for the waves of grief. You can be going through all the motions of life, talking, laughing, helping prepare dinner, cleaning up - and CRASH! Tears, sobbing, struck silent because speaking would turn into crazy shrieking......it all hits you like a huge salt-water wave from behind. Then life goes on pause while you cry it out, talk it through, do whatever it takes to re-surface from the drowning that is grief.
So I'll agree - it was hard. Being together with the entire family but feeling his absence like a knife in my stomach was hard. Making sure all the details for the service were in place, yet knowing all along why we were doing those things was hard. The finality of people arriving at the chapel, the service actually happening, seeing and welcoming old friends for a terrible, terrible reason was hard. It was also beautiful, comforting, and a blessing. Because those friends weren't just there for him. They were there for us. That part of celebrating and remembering someone's life is amazing. You see each other and although years have taken their toll on the physical appearance, the jokes, personalities, and love you've had for these friends immediately resurfaces. Then you promise to get together again soon and not let so much time pass.
All of that was hard. But you know what's even harder? After. The service ends, the friends go to their homes, the visiting with family ends, we head home, and......nothing. Nothing to look forward to. Waking up and thinking "why?" The hammer of ALONE FOREVER hitting me in the head again and again. Convincing myself to do chores and catch up on TV and try to enjoy the pool when I'd rather sit in my bathrobe and stare.
It's a kaleidoscope of feelings - twisting toward resigned, happy memories, sadness, anger, despair, etc. etc. And there are no "stages" (sorry, Ms. Ross). There is more a gumbo of different feelings that swim around and attack you when you suspect it least.
So - go ahead, tell me how I will feel. At least I'll know that someone else has been there and knows how hard it is, and that it hits without warning. If I'm crying, talk to me anyway, that's better than being alone forever. And if it happens to you, or to someone close to you - remember: It'll be hard.
Truer words were never spoken.
Monday, June 10, 2013
No right or wrong......right? 6/10/13
Please just keep telling me there is no right or wrong way to handle this. If I laugh at something, I feel guilty. If I eat, I feel guilty. If I haven't teared up or cried in a while, I feel guilty. I am not the picture of a woman whose husband has just died suddenly and young.
Well, maybe not. If you count the obsessiveness over the event and surroundings, then maybe I am. If you count the blank staring time, yeah, maybe. If you count the very act of sitting and typing these words to try to make myself feel better - I am a picture, just not a typical one. But what is typical?
Everyone says "Do what you feel". "Go back to work when you feel ready". On and on, emphasizing that our personalities are all different and what is right for one person may not be right for another. At least society has come that far. I want to get back to normal, I just don't want to stumble along the way. But I probably will.
I just want to be me. I like attention, but not this kind. I am held together and propelled onward, however, by the fact that people have reached out to me with cards, food, gift cards, flowers, and facebook messages. Now that they are slowing down, I keep looking for more. Is that wrong? Oh yeah, no right, no wrong - right?
There's too much when this happens. Too much to do, too much that I think is expected, too much to share, too much to keep in. Too much exhaustion and too much of being wired with no sleep. Too much food. Too many fears. I just don't know what to do with all the too.
I worry for my kids. Not about them, they are strong and wonderful. But for them. Does that make sense?
This morning, someone posted a Sondheim song on facebook - "Losing My Mind". I guess the song is about a wanna-be affair, but what a message! I wake up, I think of you. I eat breakfast, I think of you......sometimes I just stand still, not moving......and I think of you. Truth.
I consider a night of sleep without taking a pill a victory.
Crying in the grocery store is ok, right?
Three weeks yesterday. Time just goes on, and time has no idea that my husband is gone.
A little something is wrong with one of the cars - I feel his absence as if someone has ripped out my insides.
I'm starting to feel tired. I've been standing, walking, working, talking, decision-making, questioning, researching, communicating......living but without the joy.......and it's become exhausting. I think people are worried about me if I'm alone, but I need to be alone a little bit. I feel all the work weighing down on me, like the world on Atlas. I need peaceful rest. It will be four weeks in a couple days, and I feel as if every muscle has been clenched since it happened.
The sadness is a stealthy attacker. I tried to go see a movie. One of the previews was something we would have wanted to see together - and I realized I would never see a movie with him again. Crying during previews - not usually done. Not wrong, because nothing is wrong......right?
I've realized a lot of things will never happen again. I've realized that now - when shock and grief is as fresh as the dawn - you accomplish all the things that need to get done with the help of loving family and friends. I've realized that songs are going to make me cry. Seeing certain items in the grocery store is going to make me cry. Typing about crying will make me cry. But the main thing I've realized is that when you love someone as much as I loved him, you miss them every day, hour, and second of your life when they are gone. I don't think this will change once a year has gone by, instead of just a month. Sorry. If I'm driving, laughing, doing laundry, teaching, talking on the phone, shopping........anything.......I miss him. I'll love him for all of my life. Good thing that can't be wrong.
Well, maybe not. If you count the obsessiveness over the event and surroundings, then maybe I am. If you count the blank staring time, yeah, maybe. If you count the very act of sitting and typing these words to try to make myself feel better - I am a picture, just not a typical one. But what is typical?
Everyone says "Do what you feel". "Go back to work when you feel ready". On and on, emphasizing that our personalities are all different and what is right for one person may not be right for another. At least society has come that far. I want to get back to normal, I just don't want to stumble along the way. But I probably will.
I just want to be me. I like attention, but not this kind. I am held together and propelled onward, however, by the fact that people have reached out to me with cards, food, gift cards, flowers, and facebook messages. Now that they are slowing down, I keep looking for more. Is that wrong? Oh yeah, no right, no wrong - right?
There's too much when this happens. Too much to do, too much that I think is expected, too much to share, too much to keep in. Too much exhaustion and too much of being wired with no sleep. Too much food. Too many fears. I just don't know what to do with all the too.
I worry for my kids. Not about them, they are strong and wonderful. But for them. Does that make sense?
This morning, someone posted a Sondheim song on facebook - "Losing My Mind". I guess the song is about a wanna-be affair, but what a message! I wake up, I think of you. I eat breakfast, I think of you......sometimes I just stand still, not moving......and I think of you. Truth.
I consider a night of sleep without taking a pill a victory.
Crying in the grocery store is ok, right?
Three weeks yesterday. Time just goes on, and time has no idea that my husband is gone.
A little something is wrong with one of the cars - I feel his absence as if someone has ripped out my insides.
I'm starting to feel tired. I've been standing, walking, working, talking, decision-making, questioning, researching, communicating......living but without the joy.......and it's become exhausting. I think people are worried about me if I'm alone, but I need to be alone a little bit. I feel all the work weighing down on me, like the world on Atlas. I need peaceful rest. It will be four weeks in a couple days, and I feel as if every muscle has been clenched since it happened.
The sadness is a stealthy attacker. I tried to go see a movie. One of the previews was something we would have wanted to see together - and I realized I would never see a movie with him again. Crying during previews - not usually done. Not wrong, because nothing is wrong......right?
I've realized a lot of things will never happen again. I've realized that now - when shock and grief is as fresh as the dawn - you accomplish all the things that need to get done with the help of loving family and friends. I've realized that songs are going to make me cry. Seeing certain items in the grocery store is going to make me cry. Typing about crying will make me cry. But the main thing I've realized is that when you love someone as much as I loved him, you miss them every day, hour, and second of your life when they are gone. I don't think this will change once a year has gone by, instead of just a month. Sorry. If I'm driving, laughing, doing laundry, teaching, talking on the phone, shopping........anything.......I miss him. I'll love him for all of my life. Good thing that can't be wrong.
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